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iPhone 4 Bumpers - The Shocking Flaw

posted by Ryan McManus
Ryan McManus
Ryan McManus

Senior Art Director : New York

topics: Internet Culture, Photography, Art Direction, Fashion, and Creativity

on July 12, 2010 at 11:18 AM
filed under: Technology Industry and Internet Culture
Like many of you, I viewed the release of the iPhone 4 as just slightly more anticipated than the second coming of Christ. I was fortunate enough to be granted a pre-order, and, wanting to protect the greatest technological achievement mankind has yet reached, I gladly shelled out $30 dollars for the official iPhone Bumper.
The day it arrived, I couldn’t be more excited. I hungrily slid my shining, hard device into its sleek black prophylactic, and the world at that moment was at peace.
Sadly, HEARTBREAKINGLY, it was not a lasting peace. Through thorough research and investigative journalism, I have discovered a fatal flaw in the very design of the iPhone 4 Bumper, one that serves to undermine not only the use of the device, but communication itself.
THE RUB
The problem is, in a word, friction. While the rubberized front and back of the iPhone 4 Bumpers may protect the device in fall situations, and keep it it from sliding on a desk, this very friction keeps the device from easily SLIDING IN AND OUT OF JEANS POCKETS. While standing, the device is difficult to retrieve – while sitting on a crowded G train, nearly impossible.
You see, the typical Apple user can be easily defined by this venn diagram:
This means that while we love our technology, we also somehow believe we are rock stars, and should wear jeans of a corresponding tightness. Through casual research I’ve discovered that on average an Apple users jeans are 33% tighter than a PC user, and a shocking 90% tighter than a Linux user. Apple fans are also hamstrung by a lack of cargo pockets on their pants that these other users enjoy. The problem is bad with a pair of Earnest Sewns, and becomes increasingly critical when I switch to, say, my Levis 501 XX Shrink to Fit 1947 Selvedge Cone Denim.
This inexcusable design flaw on Apple’s part has caused me and my friends to miss several important calls, cost us countless minutes of possible Plants vs. Zombies playing time, and forced us to listen to a Vampire Weekend song when we really wanted to skip to the new Panda Bear track.
How can this be? How can Apple, the largest and most powerful corporation in the free world, release such an untested, fatally flawed product to market? Wouldn’t they have thoroughly tested these bumpers in various jeans pockets?
And then I remembered: The Keynote. Jobs. Jobs’ Jeans! They’re BAGGY!
Well, not baggy, but you know..loose-fitting and sorta dad-like. The kind of jeans with AMPLE pockets. The horror struck me immediately: Steve was unaware that millions of us tight-jeansed Apple faithful would be nearly unable to use the iPhone 4 Bumper because HE HIMSELF WOULD NOT HAVE THIS PROBLEM (I can’t speak to the types of jeans Jony Ive wears, since they only show him from the waist up in those videos).
I emailed Steve to alert him to this coming apocalypse, which I accurately described as “probably worse than the Holocaust”. His response?
Not a big deal. Buy some looser pants.
I replied:
Steve. IT DOES NOT WORK! Geezzz I hope this this is not really you. Are we on a different MHz? I have yet to see an iPhone 4 Bumper work in Williamsburg when you put it in a pair of APCs. It is not “isolated”. I was a big fan. But I am done.
His response?
Don’t worry. Be Happy!!! :D
Typical billionaire smugness. So I contacted AppleCare to see what the official solution would be. I was told that a fix is “on the way” in the form of a software update.
This is not enough. Apple owes us more than this. In fact, they owe us everything. They were supposed to be creating the second coming of the JesusPhone, and instead delivered it wrapped up in a rubbery LIE. This product is the worst piece of shit since the last MGMT album, and if not FIXED immediately, will lead to Apple’s destruction, California sliding into the ocean, and the collapse of western society. I do not believe I can overstate how fucking pissed I am.
So I’ve started a petition: Sign below in the comments if you believe Apple should be giving us free Bumpers for our Bumpers. We need to stand as one.
Class-Action lawsuit forthcoming.

14 comments

You're wearing your jeans wrong.
On July 13, 2010 at 06:58 AM, Darth Sideways wrote:
The captcha to comment today is "Gobble" "Handle". Seemed somehow appropriate.
On July 13, 2010 at 08:42 AM, Simon wrote:
I'm kinda with you on this one. I've got a 'Gear4' jacket for mine, which resembles a tyre track on the back. My friend has also got one in a similar style, but his is more 'rubbery'. Although mine has a little less friction than his, I still find it difficult to get out my jeans - which aren't shrink-fit or skinny, they're just standard jeans. My old iPhone had a nice shiny plastic case, and with its ergonomic curved back was easy to slide in and out of my pocket, and although I'm sure they will bring out plenty more cases, with less 'rubbery' surfaces, I'm wondering if the fact that the device is now mainly glass like, is the reason why rubber seems to be chosen as the protective material because anything more rigid doesn't protect as much? Maybe its just those smooth rounded curves of the phone have gone, and thats the main problem as to why its not as easy as it was before to place and remove in a pocket...
You should have never purchased such an expensive phone case. I simply waited and purchased a $5 laminated case from a street vendor in SoHo that slides in and out of my pocket smoothly(I wear sufficiently slim g-star jeans).
That being said the flaw in the bumper is irrelevant. The bigger issue is the flaw in the iPhone 4 design itself. Communication cuts off from the mere holding of the device in a phone call!!! NOW THAT IS WORTH CALLING "WORSE THAN THE HOLOCAUST".
On July 13, 2010 at 09:37 AM, bigs wrote:
One word: teflon.
On July 13, 2010 at 03:41 PM, Anon wrote:
I'M WATCHING YOU.
It's worth noting that Barbarian Group IT will never offer to "remote into your pants".
On July 14, 2010 at 07:15 PM, Wow!? wrote:
Worse than the Holocaust? I'd think that even a relatively new and small blog would be a bit more careful in their choice of words. You are comparing not being able to take out a P.O.S. phone out of your pocket to an event in history that killed millions of people. Now I'm not easily offended. And honestly that remark really doesn't bother me, as I've heard worse. But I'm am amazed that a "publication" would make such a comment, as well as that no one else has commented about that. I guess you are lucky that you compared it to the Holocaust and not slavery. Otherwise you'd have a real shit storm on your hands.
dear @Wow!?

a) this is not a publication or blog. it is a website for a professional services and product firm.

b) this post is satire and parody, explicitly mocking those who equate such minor inconveniences with holocausts.
On July 14, 2010 at 08:39 PM, Ryan McManus wrote:
@Wow, sorry you missed the subtle humor laced throughout the post. Can you elaborate, though, on why replacing "holocaust" with "slavery" would result in a so-called shitstorm? I would LOVE to hear your hypothesis.

Thanks for reading!
On July 14, 2010 at 09:33 PM, pooPhone wrote:
I believe what @Wow is trying to say is that a shit storm may be the most grueling form of torture known to man. In fact, if you happen to enjoy a nice plate of gyros for lunch you may experience said shit storm... I did today, and its not good. What makes it worse, you cannot remove your iPhone from the enslavement of your pants during the shit storm thus exposing it to a potentially hazardous situation leading to most ultimate humiliation... poo in your pants and on your fancy new JeesusPhone.
There is nothing wrong with the iPhone, and anyone who says there is, is an unpatriotic blasphemous communist nazi! Enjoy your demise when Steve takes us up the faithful during the rapture!
Haha, stop being a hipster fucktard and wearing ladies jeans then ;)

Don't you know that all this tight ass, 'looks like you just nicked your girlfriends jeans' business causes your man sacks to overheat, resulting in decreased amount and potency of nut juice?! Buy some proper none lady like nut hugging jeans like a real man then your problem is solved. And if you don't forget to switch of multi tasking I can see the overheating phone in such a confined jean-air-pocket ratio then it could lead to even worse problems.
On September 13, 2010 at 10:35 AM, Ryan McManus wrote:
Bob, you make some valid points. I will look into this multitasking issue. Thank you for your concerns with regards to my potency as well.