That's right, usability is not "everything". No single thing is "everything".

Usability for a useless thing is, well, useless.

I humorously disagree with Mr. Spolsky. The problem with his hypothetical engineer's design for a nightclub is that this engineer seems to think the nightclub's main function is to serve as a venue for an enjoyable night out. Why would the engineer think this? The engineer must be lame, old, married with children, and likes wearing sweaters with pictures of cats on them.

However, what if a young, overworked, undersexed, male engineer was asked to design a nightclub? The function of a nightclub would be radically redefined compared to the old engineer's. The young engineer wants four things out of a nightclub:

1) Be able to get drunk as hell
2) Be surrounded by as many attractive women as possible (after all, they are a rare sight at engineering companies)
3) Increase his chances of getting lucky
4) Maintain the club's profitability

#1 is easy. Once the nightclub has a liquor license, the engineer can drink to his heart's content and his liver's chagrin.

#2 is tricky but doable. A thorough market research of competing nightclubs would be conducted covering a variety of topics: advertising, marketing strategies, architectural layout, decorations, music selection, drink selection, prices, etc. (On a side note, this would be the most enjoyable research project the engineer has ever done) Besides doing lots of market research, the engineer may also rely on stereotypes is expedite the process in releasing the first prototype of his nightclub. Stereotypically, women love shiny objects, dancing, and fruity drinks. So everything should be covered with silvery mirrors and glitter. A good DJ blasting a mix of new poppy dance tunes mixed with the occasional Journey and Cindy Lauper can entertain the dancing needs of the women. However, this is a nightclub not a full blown dance club. As such, the layout of the nightclub should lend itself to the spontaneous creation of a small dance floor. This will allow girls to dance if they want, but it will not necessarily be the focal point of the nightclub. Also, by not having a designated dance floor it will decrease the chances of the engineer being forced to attempt to writhe and jerk to the music. The engineer should still be cautious of the possibility of being forced to dance.

#3 is downright hard. The engineer will be too stressed from work to exercise his limited social skills; so everything to aid him in his quest of fulfilling function #3 should be employed. First, the engineer will go after a hottie. The lighting will be dim or nonexistent so she can't get a very good look at him. Like Batman, the engineer will use shadows to his advantage. Copious amounts of alcohol should be available for her as well. The engineer knows that hot women are incredibly annoying to listen to, so the music will be blasted to such a volume that he can pretend to chit chat with her without actually having to hear a word that is said. To start a conversation with a woman the engineer will focus on two key landmarks: the bathroom and the bar.

All women have to use the bathroom. In order to increase the ease of being able to talk to one of them, there will be limited bathroom access. This will cause a line of women to form waiting for their turn. Thus giving the engineer an opportunity to approach them. Approaching woman at the bar can also be assisted by the design process. The number of bartenders will have to be carefully chosen. Seeing a woman break off from her group to grab some drinks at the bar is another good opportunity for approach by the engineer. So she shouldn't be able to get her drinks too quickly. There need to be enough bartenders to keep the patrons happy, but not so many that the women are able to quickly order and receive their drinks before the engineer has the time to ratchet up his courage and walk over to her.

In all likelihood, the engineer will not be able to win the affections of an attractive lady. In this case he will quickly lower his standards and start the process again. It's an iterative hookup strategy. This time though the lights are dim so the engineer can't see the girl very well. Once again, like Batman, he uses shadows to his advantage. The copious amounts of alcohol are now for the engineer; so there shouldn't be too few bartenders (this is in contrast to the above scenario where there shouldn't be too many bartenders. Clearly the number of bartenders will have to be optimized). The overtly loud music is still in place for feigning conversation without actually having a conversation. The engineer knows that non-hot women are incredibly annoying to listen to as well. The long bathroom lines and optimal number of bartenders will still be in place to give the engineer a good chance for approaching these women and succeeding in his backup plan.

#4 is just general engineering work. Once the nightclub is adequately designed and staffed to meet these objectives, the engineer will cut costs mercilessly. There will be no unneeded furniture. Menus won't exist beyond a giant whiteboard. (Can I order a couple of Sigma Hefs and a Newton Porter? The lady will have an Entropy shot. Watch out, babe, it expands in your mouth.)

Above all, the entire club will need to be monitored and constantly tweaked and tested for optimal performance. Is covering the floor with stripper glitter a good idea? Should the engineer demand that bartenders not wear white after labor day? Are the giant unicorn posters sending a gay bar vibe or a subliminal phallic symbol vibe? The engineer should do his best to discover all of the assumptions that he operating upon and analyze if these assumptions are necessary. Of course, since profitability is the underlying foundation of the nightclub, the engineer must ensure that he is meeting his customer needs, and they are enjoying his club. This may cause the engineer to compromise some of the original features. It's possible he will have to add lighting and furniture and even lower the music volume. Alas, this may completely sabotage any possible realization of function #3. This is unfortunate because - hey, let's admit it - that's really the main reason an engineer would design a nightclub. He'd much rather design a bar.

Oh well. At least the engineer is still able to get drunk.

Mr. Spolsky needs to learn that a good usability specialist will know the needs of his/her user. Whether its a website, toaster or a nightclub user.

@sw I think that's the best comment i've read on weeks

@sw

RE: Girls at bars, if the aim is to increase the amount of time a girl spends at the bar, simply instruct the barman not to serve women or do it only after she has waited a while.

Also bar length should be as long as possible so that you can sidle up next the girl. Rather than creepily tapping her on the shoulder and saying "Ten ton polar bear. Well it broke the ice."